Stealing your soul, everyday

Supermarkets are shit. Travel to anyplace, at any time, speaking in any language and you’ll come to the same conclusion.

Ask an assistant in your local Asda what in season vegetables they have that will complement your black bream fillets, and they’ll most likely just point in the way of the fruit and veg section, whilst muttering to themselves ‘complement a bream? Vegetables can’t talk ... idiot.’

Ask the butcher in Tesco the best way to cook a brisket joint and watch them follow your lips moving, whilst starting vacantly, before moving onto the next customer and starting the whole procedure again. Rejoin the queue, ask them again and repeat the process continuously. After an hour or so you’ll be witness to a full mental breakdown.

On a side note. A butcher butchers. A market trader trades. Following this train of thought, a fishmonger mongs. What is monging? And why are the only two things you can mong, for a living at least, fish and iron?

Supermarkets specialise in food, and yet their entire staffs seem to consist of people who know absolutely nothing about food. Having worked in a supermarket myself, I’m aware that the requirements for the job are rather low. Surely asking a little knowledge about the store’s specialisation wouldn’t hurt?

Imagine going to a car showroom to ask an assistant how many miles to the gallon a Fiesta does, only for them to respond, ‘don’t know mate, I don’t like driving myself.’

Where possible I buy from markets. The food is cheaper, better quality and sold by people who actually know what they’re talking about, mainly because they care. If they don’t please then they don’t make money.

The other day I drove to Oldham market on my lunch break. Once a thriving community hub, now it resembles the scene of a local environmental disaster with everybody relocated. There were 4 stalls open, a stray dog and a hoard of giant mutant ants.

Even with such a sparse environment there was a charge to park. 80p for up to half an hour! I wanted to walk 20 yards to buy some fruit before walking back, and for the pleasure I had to pay 80p. The reason for Tesco’s domination of the grocery market revealed: free parking.

I was tempted to not pay, but an officer patrolled round patting a bat into his open palm. I was going to wonder how many people have to park before his wage is paid, but he didn’t look happy that I would even dare to think on his territory, so I just put the sticker in my window and hurried to the stalls.

I avoided the ants and a few stray tumbleweeds, but the dodging was worth it. Standing alone in the centre of the now deserted, once proud, country famous Tommyfield market was an oasis of edible delights.

The market stall was everything a food stall should be; rammed full of seasonal, locally grown produce, mixed with a selection of imports to choose from. The stall holder was a friendly bearded man, who took great pleasure in recommending various herbs that would go well with my vegetables. The food was well labelled and was a representation of the man selling it; a British Asian with a clear love for hot food, judging by the 7 varieties of chillies on offer in a multitude of difference shapes and sizes.

Proof that you shouldn't play with your food.

I was in my element, surrounded by great foods and somebody who could help me utilise them. It was a place that would be one of many in days gone by, and yet this champion of quality produce is facing a real struggle. His customer base was low before, but now the council, in their infinite wisdom, have charged people to park next to the market, reducing his income still further. People are expected to pay 80p just for the right to give him trade.

As so often in these cases the answers are infuriatingly simple. Scrap car park charges for people parking for under half an hour, and reduce rental rates on the market for food stall holders. The market is dead. It makes no money anyway, probably loses it considering they pay for somebody to ensure that nobody shops at their stalls. Slashing rental rates and removing parking fees will get people into the market, attracting shoppers and traders.

I can’t see it happening though. I reckon most of the councillors were trained by Tesco.

Food, Glorious Food

When I told my friends I was coming to Korea I had a mixed response.
Some informed me, should I not already know. “They eat dog there.”

A few of the witty ones came back with jokes like, “mmm, sweet and sour dog for tea.” I laughed heartily.

Whilst other, more open minded and liberal, friends responded with, “ahhh, cool, a new culture. That’ll be really interesting... They eat dog there.”

It’s a shame that Korean cuisine is known only for it containing canine, for a number of reasons. Firstly Korea isn’t the only country that dog is eaten in. Indonesia and East Timor both count it as a delicacy, and it’s a frequent fixture on menus throughout China. But then China is known for so many other things, such as Dim sum, bamboo and executing the mentally ill.

The main reason that it smarts to hear Korean food has such a limited reputation abroad is that it’s so good; fresh, spicy and full of flavour. The British really could learn a great deal. In Chuncheon city there is a market stretching 500m along a road side. It’s open every morning and sells seasonal fruit and vegetables grown within the city limits. Go in winter and you’ll see entirely different produce than you would in spring, summer or autumn.

It’s not limited to just one market either. On any number of backstreets, in any number of cities there are small stalls selling locally grown produce or snacks made to order. Snacks made from fresh ingredients; fast food as it should be.

Incidentally, most of the stalls are run by women, who are generally referred to as ‘adjemars;’ the translation being ‘old woman.’ One wonders about the reaction of a woman in England, over 40, should she be referred to in this way. Some kind of beating would most likely ensue, together with harpy like shrieking. A result of the Confucian system is that Korean people know their place in life and are happy with it.



Eating out in Korea is a group affair. Most meals are ordered for a group, with individual choice not available in most evening restaurants. A meal is a social event, bringing people together, rather than just a time to fill up on calories. Indeed, the sight of somebody eating alone is rare, and if you ever do see them, it’s restaurant policy that they sob between mouthfuls, and wish openly that they had friends. Or so the lady told me ... honestly.

In most eateries the main option for groups is meat; slab upon slab of meat, each with a different name. Ask most Korean children what each name means and they can happily tell you, along with what part of which animal said meat came from. In the UK children would most likely respond to such a question with ‘you what?!? It’s just chicken innit!’ Regardless of the meat in question.

However, should you manage to get beyond this defence against knowledge, then you may see there is a growing trend of children not being able to recognise onions, or knowing that chips come from potatoes. Rumours have it that some children have even started to inject liquidised ready meals. The gap between producer and eater has become a chasm, and is widening with each sale of Tesco chicken poppers.

In Korea the restaurants generally have a picture of the animal you’re about to eat, on the sign outside. This animal is usually in cartoon form and looking far happier than I imagine it would be if it knew its end. This is also the case with places that do serve dog. But beware! The cartoon dog can also mean pet store, where they sell overgrown and coiffed guinea pigs and call them puppies. Asking for them in a soup can have disastrous consequences.

However, there is a flip side. Despite the knowledge of where food comes from, there is no effort to ensure the quality of life, and meat of animals through free range or organic production. Finding free range meat is impossible. Indeed there have been a number of cases of bear meat still being eaten, by council officials no less. The bears are clubbed to death on order, having been taken from cages containing up to 20. Shockingly bear cubs can be ordered for takeout meat, for home slaughter. Boiling them alive has been reported as the preparation of choice, in a number of cases.

Whilst this isn’t a lecture on how free range meat production is far more beneficial, not just to animals, but to the human as well (nutrient levels are increased, fat lower and protein higher in free range) it is a true shame that a nation that has everything in place to be an undiscovered culinary great is being held back by such an atrocious disrespect of where staple restaurant food comes from.

I’d love to say that this is the sole reason that Korean food isn’t world renowned, but sadly it’s probably just because Korea itself isn’t. Maybe it’ll take the execution of some rebellious students to sort that out.