Scroats

Scroat - [scrote]
-noun
Difficult to define, but people who aren’t scroats can generally tell if somebody else is. A scroat often be seen stealing from old people, shouting at their partner when pissed or generally just doing scroaty things. Scroats often congregate into groups with other scroats. They can be indentified by a constant need to massage their testicles. They’re often seen being walked by dogs that seem intent on killing anything that crosses their paths.

My neighbour is a scroat. I know he is because when he’s drunk at weekend he calls his girlfriend a slag. I can tell she’s a scroat too because she stays with him. For all their faults scroats tend to be fairly loyal, perhaps because nobody else will hang out with them.

On my return to England I was amazed by the sheer quantity of scroats, I counted 42 outside one shop alone. Korea is mercifully free of them. There’s no sense of cool if you’re stupid in school or any sense of ‘well done’ if you’re somebody who cheats or steals.

Much like honesty and decency spreads through all walks of life in Korea, so Scroats infest English culture like rats. Footballers dive and go on strike to top up their millions, led by big time Scroat Ashley Cole. Celebrity TV shows are made to cater for them, and even political parties like the BNP exist, should they ever become inspired to vote.

One day soon they’ll be a Scroat religion with a leader who wears all white and ridiculous quantities of gold. He’ll lie, cover up crimes and blame everybody else when he’s caught.

Wait a minute ...